Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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