dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
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He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
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She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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