part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
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