It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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