You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
