I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
