I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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