Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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