I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.