This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life