Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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