So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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