There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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