shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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