WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
