you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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