I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
