In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She said her name was "party"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You ruined the universe
Randomize
