Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
