forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
