I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
