I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Randomize
