I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
