Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
