Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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