I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
