I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
