nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
