i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
