Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
