im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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