I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
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there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
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"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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