your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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