shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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