I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
