Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
