how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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