Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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