i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
