my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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