So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
