I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
