My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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