Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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