I feel like abortions should bother me more
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We just shotgunned beers for America
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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