i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
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I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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