the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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