I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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