Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
