he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
