Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I need to wash the frat house off of me
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
