Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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