dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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