if i can run in heels then i can drive
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
