Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
