im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
