Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
