did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
