these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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