my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
