you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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