She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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