yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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