reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize