Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
